yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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