I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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