I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
