I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
