when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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