she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
