need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
