Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
two words...techno handjob
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I want her autograph on my taint
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
