I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
