I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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