my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
