when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
