If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
