I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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