sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
