I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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