I just saw a hot homeless man
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
