i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
