explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize