So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
