just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
