Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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