fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
