Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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