Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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