Kiss
Puke
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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