you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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