Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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