Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
