You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
