my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
