So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
