how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
