my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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