I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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