So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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