Just took my morning after pill in the library
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
