He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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