I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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