Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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