Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
