I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
