I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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