after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We don't watch enough power rangers
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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