God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
