She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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