saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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