I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize