after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
