Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
