I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
