and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
