dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
