If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
